Razziel AEtil's Journal|
[Most Recent Entries]
Below are the 15 most recent journal entries recorded in
Razziel AEtil's LiveJournal:
|Sunday, February 12th, 2006|
|on a less serious note
| You scored as Anakin Skywalker. Anakin Skywalker: The Chosen One.|
What Force User Are You?
created with QuizFarm.com
I can pretty much agree that he's the one i'm most like. Too bad I turn totally evil and get kill by my son. Well, that life.
|People piss me off
Hey, its been a while. I'm just posting because people have been pissing me off a lot lately. Why is it that so few people can manage to see past their own noses. Theres people insulting everything that doesn't fit into their very diminuative view of the world. I think the best example of this is world of warcraft that I play. People in the game seem to be like the real world only exagerated.
Theres a huge fued over gays being wrong or acceptable going on in the forums since no GMs work on late nights in the weekends. Heres a hint, If you aren't gay, get over it, other people are and there is nothing wrong with that. If you are gay, just relax, not everyone hates you for it. It really gets old seeing these kinds of arguments to me. At the end of the day, none of this should be happening. There are some peopel doing gross generalizations and others just spewing ignorant hate. Sadly, those people are on both sides.
People really need to just be accepting of others. I'm past saying tolerant. Tolertant implies that there is something wrong with gays. Tolerant implies that there is a reason to hate gays. Tolerant isn't the word that should be used, accepting is. The part I hate most is the people who do the hate are the worst kinds of people. They honestly believe that they are doing a favor to god and the gay's eternal soul with their hatemongering. They think that somehow their hate would make the world a better place.
Then theres people who insult other groups. Jews, Islamics, Hindus, Christians, Pagans, Atheits, Nerds, Jocks, Furries, Otakus, Women, I could go on all day. I realyl don't have any clue why people feel the need to generalize and insult any of the groups. I know at least one person in each of those groups that doesn't fit the stereotype. I don't see why people feel the need to lable people like that. I could lay lables on me, but at the end of the day, I'm just Razz.
Why can't peopel be more accepting? It really is a lot less work to accept people and focus on your own life. I don't need saving. I don't need directing. I know what I like, and I don't like people insulting others. Just because I defend gays does not mean I'm gay. If you're so stuck on lable, why don't you jsut stick with names. Its the only way to accurately fit the group or indevidual you are talknig about. Current Mood: irate
|Friday, September 30th, 2005|
I got shot down 3 times this week. It seems there will be no dates for Razz any time soon. I'm getting tired of being alone. Its not that I need a girlfriend, I've always pretty much been alone in that respect. Its jsut that I see the adult trend happening. Everyone is getting absorbed into their jobs or significant other. They don't really have much in ther way of friends any more. They have "friends" but not friends that you hang out with regularly and chat with. People are just becoming "mature" (put in quotes to show disdain) and "growing up." Its getting to the point where all my friends are drifting away because of that. i'm not looking to get play. I jsut want a companion in life. I know things might not work out, but I still want a chance to try. Bigges thing that got me thinking is one of my friends got married. They're actualyl married and i'm still pretty much datless all the time. I'm just feeling a bit lonesome and in a ranty mood.
Another thing that bothers me is how the people cling to relationships now. I'm not saying how they need to be in one. I'm saying that in highschool people broke up in 2 weeks on average. Now people don't break up for a year or so. I'm convinced its because they're worried about not finding someone else. I just can't believe that everyone I know is in a relationship that successful and it jsut happens to be that they all got them at the same time in life. I think peole are jsut starting to settle down with whoever is close. I dunno. Current Mood: weird
|Tuesday, September 27th, 2005|
Have you ever been sad because you're in love. I really wish I wasn't. I still am very much in love with Kristen, but I lost. Its over, Brad won. I lost. I'm not going to get with her. I fully realize it to be true, and I'm trying to move on, but I keep comparing every girl to her. I wish there would be some way to stop. The fact is, as much as I like her, she wants to be friends and its utter bullshit, but theres nothing I can do to change that. I met a new girl in class. I like her a good bit and I'm trying to avoid those comparisons, but its still hard. The biggest bitch is that I'll probably get shot down like I have every time. I've actually never gotten accepted into a relationship. One the gilr made the move, one it was a blind date, the other I didn't make the move and she didn't really either. It was jsut a mutual understanding that we were going to start dating. It really does look a bit pathetic when I actually list my track record like that. I jsut want an actual relationship for oce where I can believe that the person cares about me even half as much as I do them. The blind date girl just wanted sex. The one who made the move on me left without saying good bye. The mutual one made me think I was trash. I really just want someone who feels for me what I feel for them.
I know this sounds emo and crap, but I've had a couple beers so I'm allowed to rant about women and the like. My roomieconvinced me to jell back my hair. I'm not sure how it looks, I really have no clue about things like that, but I asked a few people and they'll tell me wednesday when i wear my hair lazy again. I really think of all the stress I have the relationship one is the biggest. I've had 3 my whole life and they all have had more bad than good. I guess itsgoten to the point, with my rocky family life, to where I get the feeling that I'm really not that important. I'm not saying this to be melodramatic. Some people just aren't that important. At the end of the day, if some people just stopped interacting with you, you wouldn't think of it. I'm feeling liek I'm one of those peopel and it pisses me off. Most of the time, my friends don't seek me out. I'm alwatys the one trying to get in touch with them. I wish this was specific friends, but this is all of them. Its hard to not feel like you are a burden when no one seeks you out. I'm always the 3rd wheel or the annoying tag along. I'm never the one who is the reason. I'm always the afterthought with my friends. I know I haven't made myself easy to contact since I've moved, but I'm worried about getting a cell phone. What if I actually got one and still no one called me? Do you have any idea how pathetic that would make me feel?
I just want to feel wanted or needed as an equal. Jodan is as good friend, but he makes me feel like the annoying little brother you have to babysit. Nads is wierd and cool, but theres too much pretense there. We're both really wierd and its almost like we're friends because of the eternal competition. We were both the wierd ones in our cirlce of friends. When we met at college we became a part of the same circle and we both were used to being wierd. Even if we don't mean to try to one up eachother, we still get random ideas we act on more easily to win. Bobby is a dick. He's a great friend, but he's a dick. He really doesn't have any aspiration in life aside from a good computer, food, games, and a wife for sex. As far as I can tell, thats all he really wants. He's lazy, and I ca'nt really think of him ever calling me. At the same time, we get along well, and all his flaws are form his shitty childhood and they're just how he gets by. Kristen is infuriating. I get along really well with her. When we talk, I actually feel relaxed and like everything is ok. The problem is, its really rare now that she's with brad. We can't have the same kind of talks when brad is around. much as I hate to admit it, while I like brad as a person, at times I wish ill on him. I'm actually jealous of him. I've never been jealous of him before. Its not even that he is with her either. I just feel like I lost a lot of what we had when she hooked up with him. Its hard to explain but usually even when we do talk, there is a level where he is there even if he is asleep and away. One of us is thinknig of it, and it changes things. She disdn't want to date me because she was worried that it would change our friendship or end it. The problem is her dating anyone does that very thing. I still do have strong feelings for her, If she gets married to someone, the friendship will end. Her dating someone has already changed things. My brother is probably the only other person who is really a friend right now, and he pretty much hates me. He misses me and wants me around, but a lot of times, it is clear he despises me. He got jealous of me. Its just all shit, and i can never tell what is what with him. He lives a lie. I can't tell what is true and what is story with him because he doesn't think he is good enougfh to be real with people. I just want one friend who can be like kristen was before she met brad. I want someone I can talk with. I want someone that I makes me feel special. I want someone who makes me feel like I'm not a burden. Current Mood: melancholy
|Wednesday, September 21st, 2005|
I'n feeling fairyl well in general tonight. Then again, its a bit of a repeave from thestress i've been feeling. Really all you can do is enjoy the good and survive the bad. right now, fortuantly, I am doing the first. On the other side, Ive been really lonesome lately so the second has been predominating. I'm just looking for people to chat with more or less. Someone to share with. Then again, I don't have a phone, and my network of net-friends isn't what it used to be. I'm gonna go lay down now. I'm getting tired, and I need to sleep. Current Mood: good
|Wednesday, September 14th, 2005|
Gah, I've been so stressed lately. I gotta figure out a way to be less stressed out or its gonna wear down on me pretty bad. Its already taking its toll, but I've gotta at least finish this samester well. I just gotta keep putting one foot in front of the other. If I can jsut keep this pace up for a couple more months liek I have been lately, I'll be ok. I jsut wish my parents would be more loving towards me. Yeah, thats a bit emo, sue me. What I really want is to be able ot be close to my dad and not make the same mistakes he did, but its just so hard getting close to him, and I think his problems arose from the gap with his father. I just am not very happy lately. Current Mood: crappy
|Tuesday, September 6th, 2005|
I've been sitting here thinking, and trying to figure things out. Mostly about what drives people, what makes them tick. I think that a lot of people have an innate desire to fail. Somewhere within everyone, they want to jsut give up and fail at any given task. Usually this is overridden by a person's will to succeed and their temperment. This would sort of explain why when people are depressed or in a funk, they always seem to do poorly at things.
I know what a lot of you are thinking, why would a person have a desire to fail? Think back to when you were a little kid. When you failed at something, you fell off your bike, your first significant other dumped you, you failed a tets, anything where you tried your hardest and it jsut wasn't good enough. I know everyone had experiances like that. When you were little, did it get you a lot of attension? No one can say it didn't. Either people got mad at you and yelleed at you etc, or they got nice and comforting. I kinda think thats why people sometimes want to fail. When people get lonesome and want attension, a massive failure always works for that.
I think I've probably done it a few times in the past. If you've ever been depressed, think back to it. Did you ever have a time where it wasn't that you didn't feel like going to class/doing your homework/showing up for an event/etc as much as it was you DID feel like not doing it. What I mean is its less that you didn't want to do somethnig and more that you wanted to fail. I dunno, this might just be my mental ramblings, but talknig with people, I see it a lot. People who are lonesome, depressed, or jsut want attension seem to TRY to fail at things, and I think its because of some inner desire to fail that usually is overridden when you aren't in a funk. Current Mood: contemplative
I was at the pool tonight with 3 girls. 2 of them are in a relationship, and the other one I don't think I could date. One of the girls I couldn't date because she just doesn't fit well with me. She's a stoner type and a good friend, but she isn't the greatest listener and she is sometimes loud about her opinions. Don't get me wrong, she makes an amazing friend, but I could never date her, and I'm sure she, for the most part, thinks the same about me. The second one is a short girl whos happy, upbeat, and really cute. The problem is she's taken, and my roommate likes her too from what I can tell. He was her friend first, so even if she was single, I couldn't do that. I jsut never would iam for a girl my friend introduced me to if I thought he had feelings for them. The third one is the single one and the reason for this post. She read her list of what she wants in a man. I'm not gonig to say that here because thats personal and I'm not sharing her personal stuff, but I am going to share my feelings from that list. God, that sounded really emo there. I promise it won't be whiny.
Her list was probably 2 pages long. The other girls said she would never find a guy who could fit all of those. I can honestly say I fit almost all of them because they were emotinoally based things. At the same time, they don't know that and probably next will because they really don't seem to care to get to know the real me. She asked to hear if other peopel could make a list. I said I had one, but its only 4 things. We argued over if a person could really find the perfect mate with just 4 categories. Heres the 4 I said.
1. I want someone who is wants to learn everything about me and accepts the good and the bad.
2. I want someone who respects me.
3. I want a person who likes listening as much as they like talking.
4. I want a person who makes me feel good about myself.
Do you think that that list of 4 would be enough to find someone you could spend your life with? If a person fit all of those, what more could you ask for? I actually thought of a fifth one for the list later, and I think its probably another important one. I told her this was the fifth.
5. I want someone who doesn't hold me to standards that they do not keep themselves.
Honestly, if I could find anyone who fit all 5 of those, I could see myself marying them without a second though. I don't care what they look like, how they sound, what my friends and family would think. I can't imagine anything else I really would need from a person. I could see myself having an amazing relationship with anyone who jsut fits the first one. The 4th one pretty much would be therer for anyone who can fit at least 2 of the others. Hereswhat I wonder, am I wanting too much? I've net a few people who can fit all of those except for one. What amazes me is that they fit 1, 2, 3, and 5. Theres some very dear friends I have that manage to fit all the other categories but they just pick the wrong time to be negative and they make me feel like a bad person. I wonder, though, can anyone think of an emotional thing you would need from a mate that doesn't fit under the 5 simple things I want in a person? Current Mood: irate
|Nerd stuff (world of warcraft)
I'm gonna beast this update into 3 chunks so peopel can read the subject and skip the stuff tey don't care about. I've jsuty got a lot going through my head and I've got a lot to say.
Last night on world of warcraft, we ran molten core again. It was pretty typical most of the run. There still isn't any hunter loot in there. I don't really mind not getting the loot thoug,h it saves up dkp and I'll get stuff eventually. I'd be pissed if I were jsut there for the loot, but I enjoy the 40 man group thing and chatting over guild chat. At any rate, we decided to take out ragnaros for the first time. We were stoked and heavily prepared. On the first attempt, we got him to 2% before the second submerge and we died after he popped back up. Second (sorta) attempt, we had an issue with positioning and one of the warriors agroed him and we wiped shortly after. Third atempet weht amazing. We had him at high 30s% before the first submerge (3 minutes in). We killed the sons 15 seconds early (in 75 sec) and then we killed him with a full minute before the next submerge (2 min later) I'm glad it went well because a lot of people were really happy about it.
After we killed him and everyone got their yelling and cheering done, someone put on the FF6 (3 in america) victory music over the vent server. That was jsut amazing. After that I went to camp some winterfall firewater to buff for next run and run dead side stratholme. Midway through one of the runs, I got promoted from trial member of the guild to a full member. It was fairly fun, and it realyl was exciting being a part of it. Current Mood: nerdy
|Sunday, September 4th, 2005|
Ok, I did the whole moping thing, but its time to pull myself up by my bootstraps anmd get the hell over it. Thats really all anyone can do when they get down; get over it, and move on. Pity doesn't really fit me anyway. Another factor is I don't have time for that crap with all my school work. I've been working on my pensmanship obsessively for the past few weeks for my engineering graphics class, and I've made progress for the first time since 2nd grade. Yeah, on the other ahnd last thursday suked because of it. I think I pinched a nerve in my hand or something from writing so much and just a fluke because I lost most of the feeling in that hand for a while. Then friday morn I woke up and it hurt like crazy. Its pretty much back to normal now. I'm gonna mostly do studying and stuff that doesn't take notes for a few days because my hand still hurts some. I'm hopeful that this samester will manage to get me back into the deans list and get hope scholarship. That will make my life a lot easier in the long run. But yeah, no more self pitty for me. Current Mood: working
|Sunday, August 28th, 2005|
I'm feeling a bit angsty lately. I try to avoid posting on here when i'm being an emo moron, but you saw how rarely I posted when I did that. I just really don't know what to do around girls. Theres about 3 girls who I was crushing over that didn't even know I exsisted. At the same time, i'm scared that if I do get a date with a girl, they'd leave me when they get to know me well. I try to get dates with people who understand and possible accept that side of me, but generally before that point is reached where I'm confidant enough to ask, they're in the friends zone. I really do wonder if I'm going to wind up single in the long run. It jut makes me feel so inferior having such a poor dating record.
I'm really not sure if I'm ugly, mean, annoying or what, but there has to be something wrong with me to be unable to get dates. My roommate told me its because I dress liek a kid. I'm 21. I wear gaming t-shrts and jeans most of the time. He thinks being mature means wearing a polo shirt or something else uncomfortable that in no way expresses individuality. It kinda hurt having him say that shit too. It also has me not wanting to date. If people really are so shallow that me dressing that way makes me undateable, I don't want that date. I just want to meet someone that gets to no me for me and doesn't run away. Current Mood: drained
|Thursday, August 11th, 2005|
I'm sitting hete bored now. I've moved into the newplace and out of the last one. Tonight I was gonna meet my roomie at the old place to help him finish moving. I got there at about 9:15pm. Then I waited for about an hour and a half and drove back. I got here about 11:00 and there was no sign of him having come back. Hr said he'b probably be there in a bout a half hour at 9:00. I'm a bit irate at that. At any rate, I'm just sitting here bored waiting for him to show up or my comics to update. bleh
|Tuesday, July 26th, 2005|
|Random update cuz its been a while
I'm a bit bored so I figured I'd just make a post here and start using this old thing all over again. I gave notice to quitting my job a couple days ago. I really learned to hate that place and all my cowerkers there, but for some reason, I'm probablly going to miss it. I'm going to start a new job close to my apartment near campus. By the way, I'm moving into the new apartment on 8/8 to 1/12, I think it'll be good fun. I'm hoping that this place will be fun to live in, but I kind of worry that my two roommates won't get along with eachother too well in time. This is a long story so let me explain.
One of my roommates is dating my ex. He asked for permission and all that. I gave him the go ahead because I'm very much over her, and she was moving to Savanah, so it would be a long distnace thing. The problem is I can't stand her any more. Neither can my other roommate. My other roommate has gotten a bit hostile towards the one thats dating her because of it. In the whole thing, I'm confused how I'm the only one who isn't mad at someone over my ex dating my roommate. Life is wierd like that I guess.
I've had a headache that I think may be a minor migrane for about a week and a half now. I get nausea if things are too bright, and my head has been throbbing most of the day. I also have been seeing halos around lights. I really do need a break from all the stress. When my notice is up, the first thing I'm going to do is order a pizza, grab a cold one, and watch a movie while I gourge on it. That'll feel really good. But I'll only be unemployed for about 2 weeks before I start my new job. I'm not really sure what I'm going to do yet, I've got a few places I've just gotta ask and they'll give me a job, but I've yet to decide. Now that I've bored you with details about my life, I'm gonna wrap this up and write again later.
|Sunday, April 3rd, 2005|
I had a long 12 hour shift at work where my retarded (not an insult, i think she's actually retarded) coworked left the store while on the clock, leaving mt to handle the 2 buisiest hours of the week solo. Boy, did the customers get pissed. I pretty much work up, when to work, got home, went to bed. I'm gonna go have a piece of cake then go back to sleep now I think.
|Saturday, April 2nd, 2005|
I decided to delete all the entries I had put in my jornal up till that point because I'm past all that shit, and I was way more emo in them than I ever want to appear. The general idea of this time will be to post my daily happenings in here and then link in my aim profile so that people don't have to ask about my day so often. What can I say, I'm lazy, and this is teh win.